I'm not sure how I got here...in life. I'm a wife and a mother. Being these things have been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember and I have been given them...yet I am a sinner. I am selfish and I do almost everything everyday wrong. Being these things (a wife & and mother) makes you see yourself for who you really are inside. I want to be better, but I'm not. Still selfish, still a horrible sinner.
I need a place to talk about it, with out judgement. I need a place to remember Lord what you are trying to teach me.
I think the Lord is or rather has been my whole life calling me to himself. I have known the Lord, or rather knew about him, but lately I've been asking myself have I ever known His heart, have I ever really understood His heart for me, and do I really grasp the deep, deep love of Jesus. I am sure that I don't. Which leads me to my next question, which is how will I ever teach this to my children if I don't really understand it myself. I love my family with a deep and ardent love, but I ask myself often do I love them like Jesus loves me, and the answer is no, b/c I don't know how much he loves, b/c I have never allowed myself to learn and grow to understand it. Twenty-six years I have claimed to be believer, but in those 26 years I don't think I have ever understood what it is to be loved as a daughter of Christ.
I want to know this love, to feel it so strongly that it over flows into every corner of my life...so that I don't force this love of Jesus on my daughters, that they see it lived through me everyday.
I want to love Jesus b/c of my own personal relationship with Him...not b/c my whole life I have been told that I should love Him...I want my family to love Jesus b/c each of us, all 4 know Him, and know Him to love us personally as His precious children.
I want to know that I am His precious girl...I want to feel it.
Grace and Peace
