Sunday, March 6, 2011

A Heart Like His Study Chapter 4:

Why is it that as a whole, I only call out to God in extreme circumstances...in labor "hey God, I could use some super natural strength here"
Have a new baby "this is the best day ever, God I'm so thankful for this"
Go to the grocery store...crickets...no calling out to God (unless of course a little one knocks over a display), no thanksgiving for the money to buy the groceries, the beautiful day, for who He is...hmmm.

I Samuel 4...God does not honor our neglect, the Israelites tried to use the Ark as a "good luck charm" for God, instead of trusting in His power and lost severely.  Te Philistines captured the Ark and God, in a  very funny way, destroyed the statue if their god, while plaguing the people of every town that it went to.

I have to realize that, while God is the loving caring Father that I want to know deeply, He is also the  sovereign and just God of the Israelites who held them accountable for their neglect.

If I am going to love God with all of me, I have to realize that GOD is both of these, loving Father and sovereign Lord

Hannah

Just started reading "A Heart Like His."  Chapter 2 is about Hannah.  Love this quote "I believe that God responded to Hannah's prayer for two reasons.  First, He is gracious.  He longs to pour His love on us.  Second, He knew her heart. "  God knows our hear meaning that he knows our motives good or bad...
Hannah trusted god, and completely gave her son that she longed for back to him, and even in relinquishing that control was able to give praise back to God for who he is!
God, purify my heart so that I can whole heartedly give my children back to you!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

White Horse

When I got married nearly 6 years ago, a wise Christian woman, said something profound to me.  She told me not to put my husband up on a pedestal  (in my head I put him on a white horse), b/c he would most definitely fall off.
Interestingly enough, I heard a quote on the radio the other day, that was just as profound.  This woman said that no man can reach the deepest desires of a woman's heart.  I found this statement so counter-culture, I almost found it hard to hear, as did my sweet night in shinning armor. :)  What did she mean, my husband couldn't meet the deepest desire's of my heart?
The more I have thought about this the more I find it to be true.  I shouldn't put that kind of pressure on my husband... Because I expect this of him, in my sinful mind, he falls off his heart all the time.  How selfish of me.
The truth is, if I put my heavenly Father first in my life, then my knight, then my children, then others things would be as they should.  I would be more gracious in accepting their short comings.
My order is all muddled.  Sometimes it is Kevin first, then my children, then Christ, sometimes it is my children, then others, then Kev, then Christ which is embarrassing and disappointing to me.

Father, help me to keep you on throne, so that my husband can't fall off his horse!

Monday, February 28, 2011

I Don't Know How

I'm not sure how I got here...in life.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Being these things have been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember and I have been given them...yet I am a sinner.  I am selfish and I do almost everything everyday wrong.  Being these things (a wife & and mother) makes you see yourself for who you really are inside.  I want to be better, but I'm not.  Still selfish, still a horrible sinner.
I need a place to talk about it, with out judgement.  I need a place to remember Lord what you are trying to teach me.
I think the Lord is  or rather has been my whole life calling me to himself.  I have known the Lord, or rather knew about him, but lately I've been asking myself have I ever known His heart, have I ever really understood His heart for me, and do I really grasp the deep, deep love of Jesus.  I am sure that I don't.  Which leads me to my next question, which is how will I ever teach this to my children if I don't really understand it myself.  I love my family with a deep and ardent love, but I ask myself often do I love them like Jesus loves me, and the answer is no, b/c I don't know how much he loves, b/c I have never allowed myself to learn and grow to understand it.  Twenty-six years I have claimed to be believer, but in those 26 years I don't think I have ever understood what it is to be loved as a daughter of Christ.
I want to know this love, to feel it so strongly that it over flows into every corner of my life...so that I don't force this love of Jesus on my daughters, that they see it lived through me everyday.
I want to love Jesus b/c of my own personal relationship with Him...not b/c my whole life I have been told that I should love Him...I want my family to love Jesus b/c each of us, all 4 know Him, and  know Him to love us personally as His precious children.
I want to know that I am His precious girl...I want to feel it.

Grace and Peace