I'm not sure how I got here...in life. I'm a wife and a mother. Being these things have been my heart's desire for as long as I can remember and I have been given them...yet I am a sinner. I am selfish and I do almost everything everyday wrong. Being these things (a wife & and mother) makes you see yourself for who you really are inside. I want to be better, but I'm not. Still selfish, still a horrible sinner.
I need a place to talk about it, with out judgement. I need a place to remember Lord what you are trying to teach me.
I think the Lord is or rather has been my whole life calling me to himself. I have known the Lord, or rather knew about him, but lately I've been asking myself have I ever known His heart, have I ever really understood His heart for me, and do I really grasp the deep, deep love of Jesus. I am sure that I don't. Which leads me to my next question, which is how will I ever teach this to my children if I don't really understand it myself. I love my family with a deep and ardent love, but I ask myself often do I love them like Jesus loves me, and the answer is no, b/c I don't know how much he loves, b/c I have never allowed myself to learn and grow to understand it. Twenty-six years I have claimed to be believer, but in those 26 years I don't think I have ever understood what it is to be loved as a daughter of Christ.
I want to know this love, to feel it so strongly that it over flows into every corner of my life...so that I don't force this love of Jesus on my daughters, that they see it lived through me everyday.
I want to love Jesus b/c of my own personal relationship with Him...not b/c my whole life I have been told that I should love Him...I want my family to love Jesus b/c each of us, all 4 know Him, and know Him to love us personally as His precious children.
I want to know that I am His precious girl...I want to feel it.
Grace and Peace
Reading this post has struck a chord in me, because in many ways I feel the way you do. I'm a wife and mother of two sweet little girls (age 2 and 7 months), and though it's what I've wanted my whole life, there are many days when I feel like a complete failure and that I'll never be what the Lord wants me to be, and that I'll never teach my girls to love Him the way He loves them...and me.
ReplyDeleteI think being a parent has taught me a lot about Heavenly Father and Jesus' love for us. I love my girls with all my heart. Sometimes they drive me crazy. Sometimes they don't do what they should. But I always love them and I want the very best for them. God is our Father and He loves us more than WE can comprehend. Jesus suffered for our sins, weaknesses, sorrows--everything that makes us imperfect. Because of that He understands us perfectly and has perfect compassion for us. They want us to know of their love and feel it in our lives. It breaks my heart that you feel like you haven't felt that. I know you will if you keep seeking it. Ask God in prayer to help you feel it. I can't imagine that a loving Father as He is will deny you. You are precious. He DOES love you!